A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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