i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
