he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize