By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize