I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
