just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
