my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
