And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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