my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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