The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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