i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Im part way to drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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