did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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