He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Enjoy the penises
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
