Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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