Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
40s are totally the cure
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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