We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
