to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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