Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
