at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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