when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
