i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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