I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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