He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we're making bets on your personal life
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
