My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
