I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
operation have a gay friend backfired
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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