So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
