I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
