ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
