Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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