my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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