I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
