it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
