i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
