Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
