allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
PANTIES FOUND
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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