I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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