my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
