I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
