I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize