I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
