The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
