you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
