I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I pour the whiskey from now on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
