Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
