what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
