I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
