Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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