She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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