Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize