True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
