so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
