Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
