God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
