Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
