its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
