I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
