he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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