Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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