I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
