My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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