i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My cat gives me a boner
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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